This article is satire written by Grafen.
In a legal maneuver that would make ordinary criminals stare in disbelief, Økokrim chief Pål Lønseth has today filed charges against himself. The case concerns aggravated corruption related to his close ties to the Labor Party (Arbeiderpartiet).
On Tuesday morning, Lønseth called a press conference in his own office. There, with a blend of deep professionalism and mild schizophrenia, he explained that after a thorough investigation of his own reflection, he has found reasonable grounds for suspicion.
The charge stems from the perpetual debate regarding Lønseth’s impartiality and his past as a State Secretary for the Labor Party. According to the charge—which Lønseth himself wrote and signed—he is alleged to have received «undue advantages in the form of political relevance and future board positions» in exchange for being «a damn nice guy» toward party colleagues.
«This is a serious charge,» Lønseth stated to the assembled journalists, before switching places at the podium to answer as the accused.
«I do not acknowledge any criminal guilt whatsoever. The question of whether I am corrupt or just extremely loyal to my group of friends is a legal gray area that is very unclear. In fact, it’s so unclear that I have charged myself just to get clarity on how unclear it actually is,» said the accused Lønseth, visibly irritated.
Dramatic Arrest in the Canteen
Witnesses in the Økokrim building describe the morning as «surreal.» At 09:15, Lønseth reportedly marched into the canteen, placed himself in irons with his own handcuffs, and read himself his rights while attempting to eat a crispbread with brown cheese.
«It was a bit clumsy with the handcuffs, especially when I was going to search myself and found my own wallet. I immediately became suspicious of the contents,» Lønseth explained during the press conference.
The most complicated aspect of the case is the legal tug-of-war currently taking place internally in Lønseth’s head. As the head of the prosecution, he demands unconditional imprisonment, while as the accused, he claims the case is a «political witch hunt» led by himself.
«The Mirror is My Worst Enemy»
When asked by Grafen how he can investigate himself for something he personally believes he hasn’t done, Lønseth answered evasively:
«Look here, law is not mathematics. It’s more like poetry. And in this collection of poems, I am both the author, the critic, and the one being sued for plagiarism. I have assessed my own impartiality to investigate my own corruption, and I concluded that I am the only person I trust enough to judge myself harshly, but fairly.»
He added that he plans to call the entire central board of the Labor Party as witnesses, but that he will likely dismiss his own questions as «irrelevant noise.»
The case is scheduled to be heard in Oslo District Court during the summer holidays, provided Lønseth can agree with himself on who will drive the prisoner transport.
Minister of Justice and Public Security, Astri Aas-Hansen (Labor), has not yet commented on the case beyond an SMS consisting of the «exasperated face» emoji and a picture of a Labor Party membership list.
Lønseth concluded the press conference by declaring himself in custody in his own office with access to Netflix and white wine, before initiating an intense interrogation of himself involving a desk lamp and a lot of shouting.